I Am Never Happy
I think I have too much time to think and not enough things to think about. I can’t seem to find anything that makes me happy anymore. Here is the thing though. My life isn’t that bad. Everyone has their issues and I have mine, but I keep coming back to this…
What is the point of all this?
This question has been asked all the time. What is the meaning of life? I never thought about it before. It never even dawned on me that I would think about it at some point in my life. Yet here I am. I have good times and bad. I just wish I has happier about things.
Being a stay at home mom isn’t for me. I know this and there is no way I can go back to work and make myself happier. It would make it harder on me. I need the mental stimulation of talking to adults, figuring out problems, and being able to use a computer without kid yelling at me “I want to play.” I stay at home and travel around with my kids. They seem to be happy. If they act up I say “Well mommy can go back to work…” and they say “No! Mommy, stay home!”. I figure they like having me around. I am doing something right.
But here it is...
I am not happy. My house is always a mess. I try to clean up but the kids come in and destroy it. I have a husband that cares but doesn’t care. It's hard to explain, maybe someday I will. I care for my kids. I try to be that housewife that has it all together, but I’m not. I have looked into side gigs to keep me entertained, but nothing interests me. There is nothing that I would “love” to sell or market. I like arts and crafts, but don’t have time to do it with the kids around. My one son just comes in and dumps everything around thinking it is a joke. No joke… Mommy is frustrated.
Honestly, I have considered walking away, this mom life is not for me. I was not cut out to be a stay at mom. Reason I stay where I am and not walk away… my kids. Even though they drive me bat shit crazy where I can’t think at times; when all they do is ask fifty billion questions every day or have tantrums over a rock I wouldn’t let them keep or that I gave them the wrong fork at a meal, I stay for my kids. I love my family, but I wish I was happier.
I am looking forward to quality “me” time when BOTH kids are in school full time in September. The list of things is huge that I want to get done during those hours. I think the first day, I deserve a nice long nap after all these years of sleeping issues.
The thought of this phantom “me” time? That makes me HAPPY.
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