Reliving The Sins Of My Past
I recently published a piece called “I Was At Least 50% Of The Problem”. It was a real and authentic assessment of why my marriage failed. It failed because we let it.
I mentioned that we both had affairs at the end of our relationship and what’s interesting, is it wasn’t our affairs with other people that broke up our marriage. It was the affair that we were having with our own individual demons that ultimately broke our bond.
“I didn’t appreciate what I had because I was in constant fear of losing it.”
This excerpt got a lot of attention. I imagine it’s because many of you have felt those demons consciously or unconsciously in some aspect of your life, both as the victim and the perpetrator. You love something so much and it scares you to lose it that you start kicking and screaming willing it to stay. Am I right? You feel powerless. You just want those demons to leave you alone. You may be stuck in the thick of it right now. Don’t feel bad. You aren’t alone. I have found myself once again neck deep.
I spent a lot of years post-divorce working on me. It’s a constant process. It has its struggles. It has its triumphs. Five years after the divorce, I found what I thought was the man of my dreams; my soulmate. I thought I was a different person. I vowed to do things differently because I was a different person. I had learned from my mistakes.
I swore I wouldn’t relive the sins of my past.
I promised myself that I would be a team player while still maintaining boundaries and a healthy sense of self.
I wouldn’t make his bad days about me.
I wouldn’t take my bad days and project them on him.
I would focus on each other’s strengths instead of harp on the weaknesses and build a happy life around them.
I made sure that I understood how each of was able to give and receive love.
I would do away with the notion that 50/50 equals balance. (Maybe I can only give 25% one day and he picks up the other 75% and the next, he only gives 10% and I make up for the other 90%. As long as there is fair and equitable distribution where one of us isn’t always giving more than we take, it’s a win-win.)
I would be loyal and never let my insecurities allow me to put myself in a situation where I would feel tempted to stray.
Above all, I had to accept him for him and not expect or try to change who he is and was from the very beginning.
Change is inevitable. We are in a constant state of change; trying to balance internal and external forces. We can’t fight it and we can’t run away from it. We have to move with it. Unfortunately, most partners don’t go through changes at the same time or in the same way, creating feelings of insecurity, resentment, jealousy, etc.
If we aren’t changing together, are we moving away from each other?
This is a normal response and often when our demons start to act out of control.
While I was working at keeping my inner sanctuary clear of those pesky demons (my negative ego), I didn’t take into consideration that he had a whole bunch of his own. One’s who sat real quiet when there was nothing to lose. Demon’s he didn’t even realize were there. Demons that did their best to hide their existence in the honeymoon period of our relationship. I caught a glimpse of them early on but it wasn’t until we were in the “till death do us part” stage that they made their presence known on a regular basis. They have been wreaking havoc on our relationship for a long time and honestly, I can’t take it anymore.
Not only are his demons making a mess of things but mine have re-emerged as well. There is an all-out battle going on but not against each other. They are both fighting for safety and comfort. His want to keep him in a place where nothing and no one can hurt him. Mine are fighting to reclaim residence in the sacred space that I worked so hard to fill with light and love.
As a result, we are the furthest away from each other we have ever been even though we live under the same roof. We don’t talk unless it has to do with the day to day schedules. We don’t hug. We don’t kiss. There is little intimacy. Every time we try to talk about it, grasping on to any glimmer of light that might be left, our demons swiftly show up and snuff it out. Yelling, finger-pointing and “YOU, YOU, YOU” ensues.
Ironically, and not so much because I believe everything happens for a reason; we are approaching our 4 year anniversary of when we met. Where is the irony in all of this? We are at a crossroads. It is the same crossroads that my ex-husband and I ended up at nearly a decade ago, exactly 4 years into our relationship and marriage. What do you think of that? Funny how life repeats itself?
I was at least 50% of the problem in my prior marriage. I know that. The grip of unseen and unknown forces was just too tight. He didn’t fight for it. I didn’t fight for it. We didn’t fight for it. Our demons convinced us that it was safer and more comfortable to give up and run away.
For the last 5 months, 99.9% of me has been convinced that it is safer and more comfortable to give up and run away…
Today, after another fruitless discussion that ended in anger and resentment, I sat down at my desk and started to type. Instead of picking up the phone to yell some more or to wallow in my anger and disappointment, I started to write. In the two hours, it took me to write this, I made a decision.
I MADE A CHOICE.
I found the strength to kick every single one of those demons in the face. They aren’t gone but they are currently lying unconscious in the corner of the deepest recesses of my inner SELF. I reclaimed my inner sacred sanctuary.
While I was writing this, I picked up the phone and made a call that I should have made a long time ago. Next week we have an appointment to see a therapist.
I made a choice not to relive the sins of my past. See, we aren’t at fault for the demons that want to control us; the negative energy that wants to keep us down. The sin is in giving up; making the choice to let the demons win. My divorce needed to happen. Sometimes relationships run their course and that’s OK.
Today, I wouldn’t have had the strength to pick up the phone and make that appointment if I hadn’t learned from my past mistakes. Truthfully, I have no idea if things are going to work out and I am not sure if I want them to but I’m standing at the crossroads again. I’m not going to just give up. This time I’m going to stand and fight not only for the relationship but for my own inner peace. I need to stand in my power and take back control of the sanctuary. I’ll be damned if I let the demons take away my choices; my free will.
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