I Was At Least 50% Of The Problem (originally published Summer 2018)

There were many times in my adult life when often I found myself walking down the wrong path. I would get caught up in feeling sorry for myself. I would point the finger outward and wonder why the universe couldn’t just throw me a bone. Then, at one point, when things couldn’t get any worse, I really had to dig down deep, and ask myself, “Am I the problem?”, even though I already knew the answer.

I was divorced 7 years ago and instead of being angry and resentful, I chose to turn the finger inward to examine my part in the demise of our marriage. I can say without a doubt in my mind, I was at least 50% of the problem, if not more. We both had our issues going in to our relationship; internal struggles that existed way before we met. Problems that neither of us were going to solve for ourselves or each other by getting married and starting a family. In reality, many of the things we both struggled with individually, would become bigger issues when introducing children to the situation. I wouldn’t realize that until everything fell apart.

We both brought good and bad traits to the table. When it was good it was good. When it was bad, it was bad, but it probably wasn’t as bad as either of us made it out to be. My ex-husband was a petty good spouse and father minus his hyper masculinity and workaholic issues. He worked extremely hard and provided for our family even though we both had demanding careers. He would share in the household chores. He would grocery shop. He would share in late night feedings because we both had to get up early to get to work. All around he was a pretty decent family man.

Truth be told, it was never good enough for me. I probably had something to nag him about on a daily basis. As I write this, I am trying to remember if he was as hard on me as I was on him. I can honestly say that I don’t think he was. Many times, I knew that I was the problem but just couldn’t accept it and couldn’t change. I came in to our relationship with so many insecurities and so many of the same behavioral patterns that had destroyed relationships prior to ours but I thought marriage and children would fix it all.

Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t perfect. None of us are. I couldn’t fix him and he couldn’t fix me. It wasn’t until we started to have major financial problems and discovered we were pregnant with our second, that our relationship would be put to the true test. All our biggest fears started to manifest themselves in to unhealthy and destructive behavior. When faced with hardship, we allowed things like money and affairs to destroy any chance of success.

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I know that prior to our separation and divorce, I didn’t appreciate what I had because I was constantly living in fear of losing it. If I had the chance, would I go back and change the sequence of events that led to the divorce? No. Everything happens for a reason and I had to experience that loss in order to initiate change within myself. Now I can be with my current partner in light, love, and with patience and acceptance of him but more importantly, with myself. Realizing that I was at least 50% of the problem in my prior relationships, set me free.

Written by Anonymous Yin and Yang Mom Community Member

Read “Reliving Sins Of My Past”…


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