Mending A Broken Heart This Valentine's Day
I shared this today in the Yin and Yang Mom private community on FB…
I wanted to share something really personal because it pertains to Julia Turkel Hochstadt FB Live today.
I learned something in therapy the last couple of weeks. I have a spiritual healer/guide I work with on a personal level and I recently started couples counseling.
I won't get into details because I don't want to breach privacy boundaries but I do feel like I have to speak up and out about me. Last year I shared that I went into couples counseling so for some of you, this isn't new news.
We didn't stick with it after one session. We didn't jive with the therapist. Wasnt super thrilled about how the first session went. Then when we tried to schedule another appointment, she didn't get back to us after multiple attempts so we just gave up and ditched looking for a new one.
I guess we thought maybe we could deal with it on our own. Maybe we were just too fearful as to what was going to come out about each of our own individual issues. Maybe saving the relationship wasnt important enough for either of us. Maybe we didnt want to spend the money. Maybe it was just all excuses because we were just totally in denial.
Things did not get better. Maybe here and there they appeared to but don't let appearances fool you. They are 100 times worse.
Why am I telling you this? Why am I airing out my dirty laundry? It's not dirty laundry. It's real life. There is no shame in what we are going through or that we are having a really rough time. If I can share that and help someone take that first step, I'm gonna share.
I am having a really rough time. Dealing with me and all the issues I have (that stem even still from past childhood trauma that I thought I had dealt with); thats tough enough. Ive been working on that shit for a decade but trying to work on my stuff and his stuff and our stuff. It was more difficult this time around than I had ever imagined?
Because I’m scared shitless and I'm tired. I’m divorced. I can't believe that I’m dealing with this stuff again and I’m tired. Whats wrong with him? What's wrong with me? Why the heck cant we just be happy?
At points, I agreed and liked that the therapist had validated and acknowledged stuff that has really been a problem for me but on the flip side of that, she got equally real with me and dealing with me in front of him just added salt to wounds that have closed and reopened and closed and reopened many times over my lifetime.
We should have stuck with therapy a year ago even if it took more work trying to find a therapist that fit us better. We should have gone through the pain of that first appointment over and over again if we had to in order to start doing the work because we needed a lot of help back then. I feel like we need an army to get us through at this point.
So much finger pointing. So much action and reaction responses that we have no idea which way is up or down anymore. Craziness ensues. Feeling totally nuts and out of control and questioning your own sanity in a relationship, day in and day out. The chaos affects everything in your life. When your relationship is inside out, the rest of your life is hard to balance.
Does anyone else feel like this?
I was "this close" to emailing the therapist telling her I wasn’t going back. He could go but I couldn't. Then a couple of hours ago, I realized how much pain I’ve gone through (not just in this relationship) but in others as well and instead of just running away, maybe I needed to sit in this immense hurt and deal with it for once. Figure out the "why" behind it all even if it unearths more stuff about me that I don’t really want to deal with.
Maybe I can get the healing that "I" need... Maybe he can get the healing he needs. Whether or not we heal our relationship is not the golden ticket. If we can't heal ourselves (because the problems are never just one sided) then we will never be able to heal the relationship and we might just be destined to repeat a cycle that we didn’t even know existed.
Sit in the pain now and try to heal it or just throw a band aid on it for the time being until it shows up again?
I'm going back. I’m not happy about it but I’m going back. I’m doing it for me. I’m doing it for him but I’m doing it more for me. I need it.
I guess that’s my Valentines Day gift to myself; to mend a broken and wounded heart that I had way before he even came in to the picture; way before I ever started dating boys or men. So often we just ignore the tough stuff that makes us, us. I know. I did that for a good portion of my adulthood and nearly 10 years post divorce, I am discovering that I don’t have it all figured out. Gotta go back in and do some more work on myself.
I KNOW I’M NOT ALONE. I hope you know you aren’t either.
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